Alright, I did it. Woke up on the Commondesk couch. Procrastinated writing with what must be 3 Liters of mixed liquor swooshing around in my stomach. Only thing that qualifies as an L is not trying harder to bring girls back, and that's a little part of what I want to talk about with this journal.
The night:
Surprised it happened, I've devoted the next week or so of my life studying software and where I'm going to make life-filler money next. Only thing I've noticed is by going too in the weeds my communication can get a little wacky. It's fine. My python program for writing jokes should be finished either by end of the day or next week for this reason, no in between on timeline there. I'll soon be ready to piss out charcoal vodka in the next 30 minutes.
Now to something I've been struggling with
Who am I right now?:
Let's break from the daily journal for a second and focus on that.
I see the best version of myself as charismatic, clever, technical, and comedic. That's really the goal with this life. Also to connect my inner and outer self. A few times there have been glimpses of that magic and result in those 4 words being me. Some traits I would love to eliminate are insecurity I may deep dive more into this soon, non-directness, being emotional/angry, unbeknownst to some there is anger deep within and it's hard to see it coming. A great example is my blow up at the bar a weekend or two ago, I was joking around with 2 UT girls and me and Nick started to get interested and formed a little group with them, some guy I had met briefly 2 weeks prior while befriending his two friends recognized me: I greeted him but was really more interested on the girls. As we continue talking he comes over and puts his arm around me while his friend (from NY I remember) slides in between me and my girl while he continuously tries to get my attention and yea telling this again makes me see these two were pretty slimy, but I must've blown up bad. When my anger kicks in I get super aggressive, I feel like I'd confront a grizzly bear (and die) in a situation where it comes out. There've been times I've taken out people who tower me , so it has it's advantages.
Sync up bro, sync hard. I want to uncover some of the past in an attempt to understand you better. You have trouble building and maintaining relationships, almost every relationship seems to hang by a thread. I know you were never that fond of the group you grew up with, the family upbringing, the hometown, the constant beating and bullying you got. It sucked and noone even knows about it but you. You feel shameful that you were outcasted and shunned by your peers. You've never let that go, and it haunts you even today. Lately, you've felt like the scared, insecure kid that was picked apart for everything. It was terrible, combined with being developed by your dad who maintained being nice to everyone no matter what. You would just take the mental and physical abuse and learned just to be nice about it.
Objectively you were your relative world's punching bag from age 4 - 20 (4/20, nice), in college you never shook the rattled confidence, looking at powerful figures in film, games, social media. Trying to copy them because who you were only got you, well, beaten. That was another shitty 4 years, in college, couldn't be yourself and constantly tried pleasing people, because we didn't want a repeat of school after all. That took such precedent you said fuck school and didn't even get laid like your peers who were well, comfortable with themselves. And that's what it comes down to, how comfortable are you with yourself , in your own skin. A reason I'd guess as to why this has been an issue is you were bullied literally out of your own skin. The number one jab at you in Middle school was your darker complexion, but that wasn't why you were getting picked on. You got picked because those who did always always always got away with it. You could've had a white notebook, freckles, hell they'd have found a way if you rolled up in a lambo. There were never repercussions for the disrespect, and it ate your confidence like a bowl of cereal. Here you are after the somewhat promising career in the tech industry feeling like you aren't the one in your own skin. Your skills have been apparent over the years, ironically a result of that bullying and beating. Youre naturally funny, tough, smooth with your words (at times), like to read and are smart in terms of simple strategy- also you can radiate real positive energy.
Now use it to your advantage, with other people who have also had similar experiences to you. Learn to heal because it's clear you're scared of others. scared of getting hurt, rejection, painful, that childhood pain was real.
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