Enter a bit of reading, a bit of relaxing, and a cup and a half of laziness. Today was that, sort of, more-so a test to see if I could build a new regimen while my main source of time, money, and energy is up in the air, if a little self pleasure, making pasta, and watching clips form No Coun try for Old men were positive I'd have passed that test. I won't bear down on myself totally, something was there today like reading a bit in the morning and doing laundy midday. Still the truth is my apartment is my own worst enemy, besides the bitches that got me fired. It keeps me from the outside world, from what I truly am an explorer, adventurer, experimenter and risk taker (also certified idiot).
You could argue risk is why I'm in this aisle 3 mess in the first place, but it's also why I have confidence even in my situation, leading to a pretty deranged way of thinking from me. On 3 one of the riskiest things I could express to the outside world around me-> I think it's healthy to be fired and that I was, moreso my reasoning has more to do with the challenge ahead- no safety net, no close relatives or sanctuary near me, and no way home. Texas is home for now whether I like it or not, get addicted to cack or not, lose my arms or not, this is where I am. I feel the most like a saiyan from Dragonball than ever before which isn't a necessarily bad thing, those character love the thrill of challenge. And I'm beginning to see why. I can't even help but feign a devilish smile thinking that I stand ground, push boundaries, ate a big emotional blow and am upright (even though I'm slouching now) with a genuine air of happiness. My overall state of happiness has not really changed, if you were to take a version of me a week ago and me now, hook us both up to a, let's say polygraph machine there would be an equal reading. That gives me more confidence than someone on a wallstreet bets subreddit when the market opens, except one of us makes money because of it- the other blew their weekly allowance. I asked for it, my situation, I challenged the Universe multiple times even saying out loud for some force to hear "I believe all I need is a laptop, pen, and paper to survive"(a car wouldn't hurt either). As my first week without my biggest time investment comes to an end I realize maybe I wasn't totally filled with hot air when I pronounced my feelings, it's to be seen. For now we're still just unaccomplished talk with no concrete plan. The makings of some type of plan, but nothing in reflective marble stone.
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